Plastic Surgery for Weeds - How to Make Weeds LOOK ÜBER HOT

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Though I have given these instructions many times over, the Grandmas of the world consistently refuse to adopt my new cosmetic discovery:

PLASTIC SURGERY FOR WEEDS 

STEP ONE:

Buy a batch of plastic or silk flowers from your local craft store or just steal them from someone's gravesite. I chose the classic SUNFLOWER pictured here.

STEP TWO:

Pull the tops off the flowers.  They should pop right off.

STEP THREE:

Find an unsightly weed, approximately the same width as the stems on your plastic flowers. I chose one that was sprouting from the pavement for dramatic effect.

STEP FOUR:

Break the top off the weed and simply slide the flower onto the tip.
Be careful. If you don't do it exactly as pictured you might get a bad case of typhoid.

STEP FIVE:

Sit back and watch as people inquire about your new beautiful weed.

STEP SIX:

Watch your mailman FREAK OUT about how quickly your beautiful weed appeared.  If he keeps asking questions, just throw some boiling water on him.
THAT SHOULD SHUT HIM UP.

STEP SEVEN - THE BONUS STEP!

If you really want to go the extra mile, just add an
OVERFED, GINORMOUS CAT LOUNGING IN A WICKER BASKET.


 

AND VOILA!   PLASTIC SURGERY FOR WEEDS!
THAT WEED IS NOW A SUPERMODEL ON A BEACH OF PURE, UNADULTERATED BEAUTY. 

(Oh.. and add some trophies near the weed if you like shiny things)

 

 

Fancy Ketchup!

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I bet girls hate catching their purse straps on doorknobs
as much as I hate catching my beard in old, rusty beard clippers made in 1812.

Sometimes, I think about life and the Universe and
how insignificant we all are
and that makes me feel better about stealing from others.

The secret ingredient in Fancy Ketchup is... shhhh...
regular ketchup.

What happened to the good ol' days when
campfires were something special,
and Friday night at the lake was a fun place to take a date,
and men could make women do anything they wanted,
and I wasn't constantly being convicted of rape and arson?

When I eat out I always make sure to order a DIET coke
with all my cheeseburgers.

Lately, when someone asks me my name
and I genuinely can't remember it,
I just hand the application back and say:
"I'm too drunk to be applying for this job right now."

Back in the Cretaceous era,
I bet DVD players were a lot simpler
and didn't require a remote to navigate the menus.
They probably had all the necessary buttons right there on the unit itself.

I sure wish my pets would die of NATURAL causes
instead of by starvation and dehydration.

If I ever get two dogs, I am going to name the white dog RICE and the brown dog BEANS. If I ever get two children, I'm going to name the smart child THE CHOSEN ONE and the dumb child WHISKERS.

If you ever get pulled over by the police, and an officer approaches your window, a funny response would be: "Officer... I'm in paradise right now.  You're lucky I stopped."

The Caveman Replacement Proposal

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Bars should fill their snack bowls with Flintstone Vitamins instead of peanuts. Peanuts have had their spot in the sun and it's time for a change.

Statistics will show that modern consumers DEMAND a combination of nutrition, great taste, and flamboyant color schemes. Today's world is different than the world of yesteryear. Today's bars serve Zima and Red Bull to a rising customer base of supermodels and feminine looking men with boyish facial structures. Some of these men even wear mascara. Simply put, peanuts cannot satisfy the stylish demands of today's sissies. Flintstone Vitamins are healthy, unique, extremely photogenic and unlike peanuts.... bursting with technology.

So, which would you rather eat:
-A-  A healthy, colorful, fun-loving caveman?
-B-  George Washington Carver's centennial turd?

I choose the vitamins.

The incredible thrill of crushing a miniature human between your teeth is exhilarating. In fact, it's safe to say the feeling can only be matched by chewing a pack of Fruitstripe gum while fucking a mermaid.

So buy some Flintstones and eat them.
Start your day off RIGHT!
And once you do that, you can graduate to bigger and better things.

I personally start my day off by tossing down 4 vicodins
while sucking on a pitcher of long island ice tea.

I then proceed to stare at my reflection in the back of a burned CD and mumble:
"Am I in the music... or is IT IN ME?"

But that's a whole different story.  That's MY JOB.

For now, stick to the peanuts.
NO WAIT!
Vitamins.
Stick to the vitamins. 

Wait... what was I talking about?
And why the hell are you reading this?

I can't believe you made it this far. You deserve a pat on the butt.