The Caveman Replacement Proposal

in ,

Bars should fill their snack bowls with Flintstone Vitamins instead of peanuts. Peanuts have had their spot in the sun and it's time for a change.

Statistics will show that modern consumers DEMAND a combination of nutrition, great taste, and flamboyant color schemes. Today's world is different than the world of yesteryear. Today's bars serve Zima and Red Bull to a rising customer base of supermodels and feminine looking men with boyish facial structures. Some of these men even wear mascara. Simply put, peanuts cannot satisfy the stylish demands of today's sissies. Flintstone Vitamins are healthy, unique, extremely photogenic and unlike peanuts.... bursting with technology.

So, which would you rather eat:
-A-  A healthy, colorful, fun-loving caveman?
-B-  George Washington Carver's centennial turd?

I choose the vitamins.

The incredible thrill of crushing a miniature human between your teeth is exhilarating. In fact, it's safe to say the feeling can only be matched by chewing a pack of Fruitstripe gum while fucking a mermaid.

So buy some Flintstones and eat them.
Start your day off RIGHT!
And once you do that, you can graduate to bigger and better things.

I personally start my day off by tossing down 4 vicodins
while sucking on a pitcher of long island ice tea.

I then proceed to stare at my reflection in the back of a burned CD and mumble:
"Am I in the music... or is IT IN ME?"

But that's a whole different story.  That's MY JOB.

For now, stick to the peanuts.
NO WAIT!
Vitamins.
Stick to the vitamins. 

Wait... what was I talking about?
And why the hell are you reading this?

I can't believe you made it this far. You deserve a pat on the butt.